Many small windows together give the best view

As it goes, I started off writing posts about my colleagues, as they have been the most intimate relations I have with anyone in Shanghai and my best windows to China. First there was Demi, and then Sophie and Peipei and more recently I wrote about my experiences with  Leona on our Philippines trip and a paragraph on Future. I always intended to write about each and everyone at the office, but then the team expanded so fast, and relations deepened and widened so quickly that I got lost and paused.

Little windows onto people's lives
Having read a lot on Chinese culture, I 'know' many things that are happening here. But as we worked, had lunch, traveled and drank together, sharing the little things of life that you never tell anyone but your colleagues, I continued to be surprised, and shocked as these stories got a face, and societal problems turned out to be my friends' personal problems.

A few of the sentences that rang in my ears long after they were spoken:

• The incredible influence that parents have on their (one) child's choices in life: "My mother won't let me have a baby this year, because it is the year of the wooden sheep, and the baby will feel cold and hungry all its life." 
• The long distance relations that many people have "I only see my husband once every two months / once every two weeks etc he is very busy and I live with his mum, who is old and sick"
• The complex relationship between women and their in laws who usually come to live with them after childbirth "My husband and I want to let our baby cry until she falls asleep, but my in laws come into our bedroom and take her away from me when she cries" 
• The enormous pressure from society on girls to marry early "After coming home for Chinese New Year, I had to explain 1000 times why I am not married" "After 30 they say my life will be over if I am not married" 
• Wondering what my assistant was chatting about with her boyfriend from morning til night:  hundreds of Hello Kitty emoticons back and forth, shaping a story in a language that I am too old to understand. 
• Materialism is everywhere, and in short the 'new religion' "My husband and I are always talking throughout the day (on wechat) usually about what we will buy, or what we have bought." 

It's not all clichés

But at the same time, just working for an NGO means going against mainstream thought about what is deemed important in life: money, a stable job, buying a house, buying an expensive handbag, an expensive car, an expensive holiday, etc. So where in general many people have a hard time trusting each other, because that other person might have bad intentions with our money, or break a deal that we are about to sign, we as a team were pretty harmonious and open, maybe because we had nothing to loose, and had already stepped off the societal ladder to fame and wealth. This openness has been one of the biggest sources for gratitude for me. 

The biggest window of all

That being said, my next post will be about my now former director, Alan, who was much more than a window to China because he was among the few who actually provided subtitles to my experiences. A bit of an intelligentsia, he told me the things (sometimes in a whisper) that are beneath the surface, culture, history, religion, rebellion, and that put together gave me many new perspectives while looking at Shanghai and I got to see old things with new eyes. 

Three small acts that made a world of difference

For the past 2,5 years I worked with a Chinese NGO, called Be Better or 上海百特教育咨询中心. I started off doing some translation and proposal writing, and when I left last weekend my title had transformed to ‘Deputy Director General’. All this time I was the only non-Chinese in a team of eventually 33, and for most of my colleagues, their first foreign acquaintance or friend. It wasn’t always easy, or smooth to say the least. Three reflections after a few rewarding years. 

Cupcakes for a better team spirit

I found myself in a small team that was very task oriented. Our weekly meetings where a series of one-on-one talks with our director who told us what to do and how. There was hardly any talking at all, but for the occasional whisper or QQ chat message. A very awkward situation in my eyes, and while I tried very hard to blend in with the culture, I must have broken it at the same time, because at some point I found myself teaching English every Monday afternoon and bringing home made cupcakes. Once our director came in and found us all having a great time discussing how foreigners declare their love to each other. Would he be angry with me? Tell us to get back to work? He joined us of course, and carried a big smile that day.

During a teacher training in Yangzhou 2012

If scared… act

The first time I fully step forward and bring everything I have to the team is scary beyond imagination. I will organise a day at the end of the year, providing a safe space to discuss difficulties. I have kept the schedule a secret, demanding lots of trust from the busy team. We start with a long check in where the first tears start to flow. There is room to speak with people you are not familiar with, and for a while everyone is buzzing with questions and talk. Then we get to the scariest part: our two program managers are put in the middle one by one for a sort of family constellation exercise. I ask them to invite all their aides and tell them where to stand, then reflect together. The number of less than perfect relationships is endless. I am shocked but confident, the tool works wonders. I have demanded trust, but more than anything, I have given my trust in their ability to be honest but soft. Afterwards, we did many similar days and meetings, but it never reached that level of magic again. 

A program management training in Shanghai 2015

Manoeuvring girls politics...

With a huge female majority our team suffered lots from hormonal fluctuations. One week a month, we all had a depression, felt sick and demotivated: everyone at the same time. Some colleagues where friends before, and disliked each other now, and newcomers usually made it to be accepted into the inner circle at once, or just never. As things are always organised last minute, everyone depended on personal favours for help from others. Building friendships was essential, and given the 24/7 dedication of most staff, private life completely mixed up with work. I managed to do what I always try: put work first, and build relations accordingly. If I was work-friends with two girls who hated each others guts, so be it. I wil listen to all your blackmailing, and draw my own conclusions (after all, I am a girl too!). But we get the work done and others know they can trust me on my word to deliver. 

Buddy talk during a team building day 2014

… but appreciate the boys best

My most unexpected work-friendship was with Future, our bookkeeper. He picked up English from my endless questions and requests, and started teaching me finance, and excel, and Chinese tax, and I knew we were really good together when he got angry with me twice for being late and sloppy. Looking back, we together changed how project managers should deal with their finances, and it never felt heavy or boring as Future is the most comical person in Shanghai, if not China and has an unforgettable KTV performance. 

Not quite fat

There's much talk about the issue of obesity, but all I see are the young & pretty girls that Shanghai is so famous for. So I decided to keep my eyes open and count. Back and forth to my lunch date yesterday I saw 3 overweight girls. Quite excited with my new interest I walked back home, determined to share the first data of this little research. Until I saw this girl doing her balancing act and totally forgot about it all.

NB, now that the hot season has started, there's much complain of girls on public transport about guys who ejaculate on their bare legs during rush hour (yuk)

NNB, somehow somewhere these girls transform into women. I see them everyday in the showers at the gym. The shape gone, the frock gone, the long hair cut short, the high heels swapped for Crocs.