Missing out on well cooked love during Spring Festival

In every day life, I find it more than justified to eat only vegetarian food. Better for my health, for my ecologic footprint, for animal welfare, for my yoga practice, just about everything. Right? Vegetarianism is never easy to maintain in China where eating meat is a human right for some and the highlight of the day for others, and I have often bent my own rules to not go hungry. But I still try, and it has become an integral part of how people describe me here.

Buddhist cuisine

Last week I visited my friends home in a smaller town, and we spend much time at his parents house celebrating the Chinese New Year. For ten days, parents have a chance to spoil their children to death. Nainai and Yeye (grandma and grandpa) were busy from morning til evening in the kitchen, preparing all the dishes for our lunches and dinners. Because how better to show your love than through food? And how better to show your love than through slow cooked mutton, or Yeye's home salted and wind dried pork, or his carefully chopped and fried beef? The finest, most expensive, most complicated dishes lovingly all prepared for the guests at this special time.

Word had traveled that I wouldn't eat meat or fish and my habit was taken more than seriously. Dishes were always arranged so that I was surrounded with veggie food. Lovely, refined, delicious vegetables and tofu. But the frown on Yeye's forehead showed his disappointment. He knew I missed the best part of the festival.

Three small acts that made a world of difference

For the past 2,5 years I worked with a Chinese NGO, called Be Better or 上海百特教育咨询中心. I started off doing some translation and proposal writing, and when I left last weekend my title had transformed to ‘Deputy Director General’. All this time I was the only non-Chinese in a team of eventually 33, and for most of my colleagues, their first foreign acquaintance or friend. It wasn’t always easy, or smooth to say the least. Three reflections after a few rewarding years. 

Cupcakes for a better team spirit

I found myself in a small team that was very task oriented. Our weekly meetings where a series of one-on-one talks with our director who told us what to do and how. There was hardly any talking at all, but for the occasional whisper or QQ chat message. A very awkward situation in my eyes, and while I tried very hard to blend in with the culture, I must have broken it at the same time, because at some point I found myself teaching English every Monday afternoon and bringing home made cupcakes. Once our director came in and found us all having a great time discussing how foreigners declare their love to each other. Would he be angry with me? Tell us to get back to work? He joined us of course, and carried a big smile that day.

During a teacher training in Yangzhou 2012

If scared… act

The first time I fully step forward and bring everything I have to the team is scary beyond imagination. I will organise a day at the end of the year, providing a safe space to discuss difficulties. I have kept the schedule a secret, demanding lots of trust from the busy team. We start with a long check in where the first tears start to flow. There is room to speak with people you are not familiar with, and for a while everyone is buzzing with questions and talk. Then we get to the scariest part: our two program managers are put in the middle one by one for a sort of family constellation exercise. I ask them to invite all their aides and tell them where to stand, then reflect together. The number of less than perfect relationships is endless. I am shocked but confident, the tool works wonders. I have demanded trust, but more than anything, I have given my trust in their ability to be honest but soft. Afterwards, we did many similar days and meetings, but it never reached that level of magic again. 

A program management training in Shanghai 2015

Manoeuvring girls politics...

With a huge female majority our team suffered lots from hormonal fluctuations. One week a month, we all had a depression, felt sick and demotivated: everyone at the same time. Some colleagues where friends before, and disliked each other now, and newcomers usually made it to be accepted into the inner circle at once, or just never. As things are always organised last minute, everyone depended on personal favours for help from others. Building friendships was essential, and given the 24/7 dedication of most staff, private life completely mixed up with work. I managed to do what I always try: put work first, and build relations accordingly. If I was work-friends with two girls who hated each others guts, so be it. I wil listen to all your blackmailing, and draw my own conclusions (after all, I am a girl too!). But we get the work done and others know they can trust me on my word to deliver. 

Buddy talk during a team building day 2014

… but appreciate the boys best

My most unexpected work-friendship was with Future, our bookkeeper. He picked up English from my endless questions and requests, and started teaching me finance, and excel, and Chinese tax, and I knew we were really good together when he got angry with me twice for being late and sloppy. Looking back, we together changed how project managers should deal with their finances, and it never felt heavy or boring as Future is the most comical person in Shanghai, if not China and has an unforgettable KTV performance. 

The art of being a housewife, or: how Benjamin Franklin would have done it better

(4) "Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."

At the age of 20, Benjamin Franklin made a list of 13 virtues that he would strive to stick to for the rest of his life. Just a few keywords about how he lived: ate vegetarian to save money to buy books, no beer, only water to work harder, swam everyday when fitness wasn't even invented yet. He lived up to one of his 13 virtues every week, wrote an evaluation on Sunday and went on to the next. Although he never claimed to be perfect, his holistic approach to self improvement definitely paid off as he became one of the greatest people of his time. Respect!

Benjamin's approach highly appealed to me when I first heard about it. It was during my first months at university, and because I hardly knew anyone there, this was my chance to start afresh and create a new and better identity. (or so I thought at that time)

These days I'm in a similar situation. A new city (Shanghai), a new house, a new occupation (housewife & mother), no friends and family around (yet). Again I have all these great plans about what I'll be doing with my time here. A short evaluation of my self-improvement so far:

• Lot's of sport. I downloaded some pilates routines, ab crunchers and 'get rid of that baby belly' instructions. I do them. Sometimes. Half an hour of sit ups leaves me with a stomach ache for two days. I've checked out the swimming pool, haven't gone inside. I guess carrying Nelson around hours on end does something... (+/-)
• Lot's of routine in breastfeeding. Well. It's better than before. But. Every time I feed him hours before I had planned to, I resolve that this is really the last time. Only to do it again an hour later when he starts sucking on my arm again. (+/-)
• A clean house. Very effective. Only that it's Godert who does most of it before work when I go back to sleep again. A housewife that doesn't clean, feels wrong. (-)
• Meet inspiring people. Working on it. I am meeting up with some people from the KaosPilots network, my Ashoka network has proved helpful here as well. And what about all the Chinese Nelson admirers that I meet by the dozens every day? I'm sure they're nice people only that (+)
• Learning Chinese has fallen off the list. Even answering the most common question: boy or girl? Is out of my reach. We're meeting our teacher tomorrow for the first time. He might have some old Chinese didactic methods that help me out here. (thinking ruler, donkey ears...) (-)
• Read and Write lots. Yes! (+)
• Less computer, more fresh air. This is not the place to discuss air quality in Shanghai, but we have a lovely garden downstairs and I found the perfect spot between bamboo bushes, rhododendrons and other greens where Nelson can sleep in the shade, I can tan my legs and we're a little hidden from the admirers. Going there as we're speaking. (+)

By Inga Auðbjörg - my mascot

Not sure if Mr Franklin did long-term evaluations as well. Definitely my first attempt ten years ago failed awfully. Thinking of virtue number 4 about resolving, perhaps I forgot to take that one serious back then. I'll keep you posted on my progress this time. And as I'm not planning to be one of the greatest people of my time, but only aiming to have a great time, it might just be enough...