Motherhood by Sheila Heti is a research into the context of motherhood, cultural, personal, historical and also spiritual. My edition has a slogan on the cover that says: what if you are in doubt about wanting to become a mother or not? which gave me a bad start: I am already a mum, there's nothing to doubt about. But then, Sheila Heti does give much food for thought about why I became a mother.flashback
I was in love, 17 and mature, or so I felt. The relationship was a few hours old when my boyfriend said 'I want to marry you and I want your children'.
I was confused about love, in my early twenties and head over heels with a boy from my class who was gay. Months later, trying to make sense and peace, he explained: 'you are so tall and beautiful, I wanted your children.'
Still confused, and still in my early twenties, with the same long legs that attracted certain types, my lover told me: 'I want you to have my child, and I will pay you well for it.'
26 and well seasoned in all kinds of love, it was spring and my boyfriend had not asked me to marry yet. He really wished for children he said, and hoped for his parents to be part of their lives. In my body I sensed that this could be a good father.
And my own words all these years? I'm not a type to be a mother, I will have many brainchildren.
Before this idea of brainchildren had a chance to be really tested, as the story of Sheila Heti does, I had two little children of flesh and blood.
So why did I want my children? Was it evolutionary, stronger than my own will and my favor to the human race? Was it pure love, the idea that we could raise two happy healthy children together? Was it because I wanted to please my partner, was it to satisfy his urge to pass on his DNA?
Sheila Heti unravels all these arguments, and added one that was new to me, what is really best for ME?
